O soy yo todo lo que busco.

Being there was a whole new experience.

I didn't know what to expect and that made me really anxious because I though my teacher would expose me or something like that and the only thing I didn't want to experiment -by choose- was to feel even more humiliated about how I know nothing and how I shouldn't be there or how useless I am.

Truth is it was nothing like that. Got to study a lot during mornings so I felt more confident when the patient arrived but I think I was like ok. At least it wasn't like GOD I'm the dumbest, take me with you.

I enjoy being invisible and I was happy to see that wasn't a problem there. The people working there was very nice too. They allowed me to use their stuff, forced me to heat my food in their fancy dishes instead of my bowl ("don't microwave it there, the plastic gives you cancer! and it also spoils the bowl..") and didn't make me tell them my whole life. I mean they asked things of course, people use to feel uncomfortable in silence but I felt like they allowed me to be as silent as I wanted to and it was a relief.

I told people see yeah i'm in an Oncology.. ONCOLOGY? yes, and it wasn't as scary as it sounds. I think I was lucky because the patients there were really sweet and almost all of them knew there are always students at the institute so they treated me really good. 

That illness is hard that's right but at the same time I only met fighters there and that encourages anyone. I think I really loved almost everything there.

I loved their stories, all of them. I loved to see how their relatives took care of them and encouraged them and made them feel loved.

I loved to see them smile, to give me advices, to wish me luck. 

I really loved them being there. 

It was only a month so I know it is not always like that. I got to feel happy to see them arrive in a good mood and making jokes and stuff but also I got to feel confused when I overheard a phone conversation and something made me think one of those patients got pretty bad. My teacher didn't tell me, but she got shocked and i am a very experimented movie-creator so I if  I am right I just can hope for.. I don't know, peace I think. Peace and love and I hope they don't regret about unspoken last words.

Death is never on time and when it's late is really fucked up to see the person suffering without knowing how much time will they have to live that way and why do they have to live that way.

I think that the first thing that hit me there was that I never see just the patient because there were always families around. That was really really inspiring but well... it's me so I couldn't avoid thinking about how it must be like when a lonely person gets sick and how many of them manage to get the strength/money/motivation to fight for themselves.

Being there studying the clinical history of the patients and making interviews every day.. I didn't really allow me to think too much about my relationship with cancer. Maybe because there's no such thing. It is just a fact. A fucked up one. 

I guess I should've seen my grandma, my uncle, my mom and dad in every one of them but I didn't. I didn't want to use my mind to feel sorry for me. I was too young to understand or even to be there for them when they all got sick but I know that's something I can't change and I know that is very useless to keep blaming me for that. 

I think it was a very powerful experience. I enjoyed it a lot and learned a lot. 

I love growing up so I am very very happy :) and maybe a little worry about the report because it's too long and my teacher is a little.. I don't know, we are alike so I'd better keep my mouth close.  

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Hi there so... I am acting like when I was at school. Like trying not to say what I really want to do with my future just in case something went wrong and I ended up choosing something different. I never really though about being forced to do something different, it was more like protecting myself about people noticing me changing my mind and it was really stupid like why would I even bother to do something like that but.. well it's funny to remember now.

I've always known I love being around people even though I am veeeery shy and insecure and ugly and -ok no :P but... truth is although I would love to work in clinica I know that path is hard and that my teachers could totally discriminate if they want to -and make it even harder- and I am really scared though. I got dissapointed when I noticed that my effort wasn't enough, that I would need to work harder while I also try to convince myself that I can, being the second the most difficult task for me. I am glad I have time now to work on that and to soften the path or to find another one if I feel like.

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I wish I had better plans so far though sleeping all day long and wasting my time still sound good to me.

That's the funny part of working without any material reward -though the chance of keep paying the bus just with $200 all february must count- I feel lazy although I worked this month. I'm done with jobs that I don't really like but well, I appreciate their existance. And to be honest it's not like I want to worry about it right now.

A diez años luz del mañana.

Amo sentirme libre tal vez con la misma intensidad con que mi subconsciente se empeña en crear límites y convenciones morales inaplicables en la vida real. O en mi vida real.
Siempre he temido convertirme en desalmada, indolente y a descubrir en mí una personalidad adictiva. Intento no sentirme miserable y esta vez no lo hago, pero no sé qué tan bien está el que ahora me resulte. No sé que tan apropiado sea aceptarme así. Volver a levantarme como si fuera a prueba de balas luce demasiado parecido a la indiferencia que otorga la ceguera y exceso de confianza. Nunca había estado de este lado. De mi lado. Y no sé que tan peligroso puede ser.
No tengo ganas de torturarme esta vez. Tampoco tengo ganas de humillarme, aunque me resulta demasiado fácil idear métodos para hacerlo. Muero por volver a sentir algo que me convenza, pero sigo sin saber cómo. Sigo sin permitirme sentir en realidad. Extirpé gran parte de lo que me movía y temo que sea el remanente lo que me mantiene de pie, sumado a mi propia complicidad. Esa complicidad que me hace expresar que no sé qué es lo que estoy buscando para mi, siendo que lo encuentro cada noche mientras intento dormir. 
Odio ser patética. Odio sentirme así. Ya no odio ser transparente al menos. Ni odio ser risueña ni ultrasensible. De cierto modo intento aprender a valorar mi esencia. Lo cual se me hace difícil porque me genera un quiebre cada vez que lo razono; el saber que es mi propia esencia la que me vuelve repulsiva para quien más he amado.
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Guess who needs to scream again.

Me felicito por privarme del tiempo para caer en estado post exámenes. En realidad tendré cinco horas para que me de la jaqueca del rigor, dormir, comer, recuperarme y salir con la cara llena de risa a hacer la práctica que en verdad me muero de ganas de hacer. Y que por otro lado me aterra, porque sé que la profe me va a exprimir, y esa perspectiva se me hace ilógica considerando que no sé nada. Además que oh, día especial, reduciendo dosis del salvavidas, por segunda vez. Oh no. 

Lamentablemente no tengo permitido volver a la época del eterno pijama, aunque este año ya es total candidato, al menos unos días.

Me siento un poco abatida. Muy abatida en realidad e incapaz de definir el verdadero motivo. Difícilmente por la u, aunque para mi es una frustración casi constante. Aunque no, es muy demasiado constante. Claramente es mi culpa el haber esperado algo distinto de una universidad sin fondos, donde lo importante es que pague el arancel -ojalá completo, aunque tenga dos ramos-  y que ay, buena niña, ahora sírvase de nuestra desorganización y mala voluntad.

En realidad queda relativamente poco como para seguir quejándome, pero sí, en parte si me hace sentir abatida. Muy abatida. Es mucha la presión, muchas las cosas sin sentido que hay que aguantar y demasiado que hay que cumplir solo por cumplir. Es muy poca la empatía y el apoyo circulante. Se me ha pasado casi volando, y aún no sé que podría ser lo más memorable de haberse sacado la mugre así en un lugar donde pagar la matrícula es el menor logro/requisito para ser considerado.

Y en cuanto a la carrera, nunca me permití tampoco pararme a pensar si estoy haciendo lo que "siempre quise" o algo así. En cualquier caso, ahora no es cuando.

Nuevamente me está costando ver hacia adelante, tengo demasiado presente los obstáculos y sí creo en ese cliché de que yo misma debo de ser el mayor de todos.

Debería sentirme agradecida, de descubrir poco a poco lo descabellado que es lo que -probablemente- estoy buscando realmente. En lugar de eso, me hundo en la misma medida que abro los ojos a la verdad que me negaba a ver.