Loose

No entiendo muy bien por qué, pero me siento vacía.

Usualmente estoy esperando algo más estable que me salve y me haga desear con todas mis fuerzas pasar el tiempo de la mejor forma en pos de ese objetivo. Y es ese el objetivo el que no logro ubicar. 

Hago el trabajo mental de no recordar las veces en que "pensar positivo" y "hacer todo lo posible" no sirvieron más que para dudar de mi. Sé que no es la idea, que por algo pasan las cosas y clichés varios, pero eso no quita que me sienta desamparada frente al futuro a causa de la porción infructífera de mi presente que de a poco se torna cada vez más abundante. Me impuse horarios que cumplo sin convicción. Acumulo con devoción materiales que hoy no me animo a usar. Me proporciono conocimientos que cuando tengo tiempo para aplicarlos, los desestimo porque recuerdo que no deberían ser mi prioridad. Estudio sabiendo que debería ser mi prioridad, pero sabiendo que no es mi fuerte y que no sería la primera vez si fallara a pesar de la dedicación.

Me cuesta confiar en las personas pero lo hago parcialmente y a veces me enorgullezco de la indiferencia con la que asumo las fallas, en compensación a todos los años que gasté tratando de sanarme de las mismas. 

Cumplo con las metas y no me cuesta enumerarlas porque responden más a una necesidad, a un camino que tracé hace años y que sigo por fidelidad a mi pensamiento de esa época más que a un actual deseo ferviente. No logro verme de aquí a un año, ni a dos ni tres. No logro verme más que en ocho semanas más, estudiando con desesperación o bien descansando por una vez con real satisfacción. 

O soy yo todo lo que busco.

Being there was a whole new experience.

I didn't know what to expect and that made me really anxious because I though my teacher would expose me or something like that and the only thing I didn't want to experiment -by choose- was to feel even more humiliated about how I know nothing and how I shouldn't be there or how useless I am.

Truth is it was nothing like that. Got to study a lot during mornings so I felt more confident when the patient arrived but I think I was like ok. At least it wasn't like GOD I'm the dumbest, take me with you.

I enjoy being invisible and I was happy to see that wasn't a problem there. The people working there was very nice too. They allowed me to use their stuff, forced me to heat my food in their fancy dishes instead of my bowl ("don't microwave it there, the plastic gives you cancer! and it also spoils the bowl..") and didn't make me tell them my whole life. I mean they asked things of course, people use to feel uncomfortable in silence but I felt like they allowed me to be as silent as I wanted to and it was a relief.

I told people see yeah i'm in an Oncology.. ONCOLOGY? yes, and it wasn't as scary as it sounds. I think I was lucky because the patients there were really sweet and almost all of them knew there are always students at the institute so they treated me really good. 

That illness is hard that's right but at the same time I only met fighters there and that encourages anyone. I think I really loved almost everything there.

I loved their stories, all of them. I loved to see how their relatives took care of them and encouraged them and made them feel loved.

I loved to see them smile, to give me advices, to wish me luck. 

I really loved them being there. 

It was only a month so I know it is not always like that. I got to feel happy to see them arrive in a good mood and making jokes and stuff but also I got to feel confused when I overheard a phone conversation and something made me think one of those patients got pretty bad. My teacher didn't tell me, but she got shocked and i am a very experimented movie-creator so I if  I am right I just can hope for.. I don't know, peace I think. Peace and love and I hope they don't regret about unspoken last words.

Death is never on time and when it's late is really fucked up to see the person suffering without knowing how much time will they have to live that way and why do they have to live that way.

I think that the first thing that hit me there was that I never see just the patient because there were always families around. That was really really inspiring but well... it's me so I couldn't avoid thinking about how it must be like when a lonely person gets sick and how many of them manage to get the strength/money/motivation to fight for themselves.

Being there studying the clinical history of the patients and making interviews every day.. I didn't really allow me to think too much about my relationship with cancer. Maybe because there's no such thing. It is just a fact. A fucked up one. 

I guess I should've seen my grandma, my uncle, my mom and dad in every one of them but I didn't. I didn't want to use my mind to feel sorry for me. I was too young to understand or even to be there for them when they all got sick but I know that's something I can't change and I know that is very useless to keep blaming me for that. 

I think it was a very powerful experience. I enjoyed it a lot and learned a lot. 

I love growing up so I am very very happy :) and maybe a little worry about the report because it's too long and my teacher is a little.. I don't know, we are alike so I'd better keep my mouth close.  

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Hi there so... I am acting like when I was at school. Like trying not to say what I really want to do with my future just in case something went wrong and I ended up choosing something different. I never really though about being forced to do something different, it was more like protecting myself about people noticing me changing my mind and it was really stupid like why would I even bother to do something like that but.. well it's funny to remember now.

I've always known I love being around people even though I am veeeery shy and insecure and ugly and -ok no :P but... truth is although I would love to work in clinica I know that path is hard and that my teachers could totally discriminate if they want to -and make it even harder- and I am really scared though. I got dissapointed when I noticed that my effort wasn't enough, that I would need to work harder while I also try to convince myself that I can, being the second the most difficult task for me. I am glad I have time now to work on that and to soften the path or to find another one if I feel like.

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I wish I had better plans so far though sleeping all day long and wasting my time still sound good to me.

That's the funny part of working without any material reward -though the chance of keep paying the bus just with $200 all february must count- I feel lazy although I worked this month. I'm done with jobs that I don't really like but well, I appreciate their existance. And to be honest it's not like I want to worry about it right now.

A diez años luz del mañana.

Amo sentirme libre tal vez con la misma intensidad con que mi subconsciente se empeña en crear límites y convenciones morales inaplicables en la vida real. O en mi vida real.
Siempre he temido convertirme en desalmada, indolente y a descubrir en mí una personalidad adictiva. Intento no sentirme miserable y esta vez no lo hago, pero no sé qué tan bien está el que ahora me resulte. No sé que tan apropiado sea aceptarme así. Volver a levantarme como si fuera a prueba de balas luce demasiado parecido a la indiferencia que otorga la ceguera y exceso de confianza. Nunca había estado de este lado. De mi lado. Y no sé que tan peligroso puede ser.
No tengo ganas de torturarme esta vez. Tampoco tengo ganas de humillarme, aunque me resulta demasiado fácil idear métodos para hacerlo. Muero por volver a sentir algo que me convenza, pero sigo sin saber cómo. Sigo sin permitirme sentir en realidad. Extirpé gran parte de lo que me movía y temo que sea el remanente lo que me mantiene de pie, sumado a mi propia complicidad. Esa complicidad que me hace expresar que no sé qué es lo que estoy buscando para mi, siendo que lo encuentro cada noche mientras intento dormir. 
Odio ser patética. Odio sentirme así. Ya no odio ser transparente al menos. Ni odio ser risueña ni ultrasensible. De cierto modo intento aprender a valorar mi esencia. Lo cual se me hace difícil porque me genera un quiebre cada vez que lo razono; el saber que es mi propia esencia la que me vuelve repulsiva para quien más he amado.
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