Chemistry - Kimya Dawson

[ And my family and my friends and all the little kids that love me make me strong



And no matter how this ends I know I'll never ever ever be alone ]

{ Some day I'll be an old lady
with a big dress and an apron a babushka and bare feet
I'll be out in my garden on my hands and knees
And I'll be singing a song that is really sad an sweet }

###

I still don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I am just trying to cover the empty space in here but people try to convince me that the space isn't really empty that I can't kick you out at all but time will heal me and new people will fill the rest of me. The new people is supposed to be different and I'm supposed to feel different and fall different for them. 
They told me it is a waste of time trying to fall in love the same way I did when I really did but I can't believe them. I hate people telling me that. They spit it as if love was a granade. And I threw it. And it's gone. And now I am doomed to feel partially in love.
I've known for a while what it feels like. I've told the same things you told me with no intention to harm but people get harm and get angry and it's unfair but I take their pain and their anger because I've been there too. I knew too well the whole process and I try to convince myself that someday they'll understand. I am sure they will. No I hope they will and that it can take them less time. 
I use to get angry every time I have to admit you were right about me.
I hate the fact you knew me better than the way i do. That you didn't allow me to give you back the stupid stuff.  You knew I'd regret it. That you were right when you told me that i'd meet better people. 
I've been trying I swear but maybe I've been trying too hard. I've met a bunch of nice people and they've been with me even before you. I found the sweetest guy and I couldn't keep him because later I got that it's not just about finding better people it's about falling in love like for real. 
I hate you're still wrong about me finding someone. I hate it because you were predicting your own faith not mine. And I freaked out when I noticed and then I cried and then I laugh because I couldn't help being happy for you. 
I always knew you deserve the world. 
I like to think you defeated the speech people try to teach me and I know I deserve it too.
~
I know I should've forgiven you by now. I guess I forgave you but I don't think you care about that anymore. I should've apologized too. I  had to play your role and it's not easy but I didn't know until now. I got so harm I couldn't see a fucking shit. I judged you too hard. I blamed you. I though you were mean -maybe you were- but I underestimated your need of being honest with yourself. 
I wish I could tell you that didn't really mean it that I understand now.
~